Fear kept this story on the inside of me for years. And shame. It is not a secret, per se, but it isn't something I tell everyone. I understand it is not something everyone can palate. Hell, I wouldn't have been able to until it was me who was so...
I still had a girlish naivety that all I needed and wanted was his affection. His attention. I honest-to-God thought I could keep my tongue in my own mouth.
It's been 5 years. I haven’t recovered. I don’t think I ever will. I don’t really want to.
The woman who stood watching him get out of the car, then cross the driveway toward the house that they built together, had no idea a man who claimed to love his wife could be so vicious.
For me, as a Christian woman, that was the first stitch in my open, blood gushing gash. Understanding that, I am an insufficient, flawed human being of finite understanding and capabilities. As I was created to be.
I found a friend in her that I thought only existed in movies. I thought we would grow old together. We won't, though.
I clawed my way through the doubts, the anger, the pain, the fear of it happening again down the road. It was war. And I, ultimately, was victorious. I was proud of that feat because I fought with everything I had in me to win.
There were many more signs to come. While they filled me with dread, I dismissed them all. Was I stupid? In denial? Yes, and in love. All these years later, that is what still infuses me with anger. The lack of regard for me--not only to do it, but to lie and cause me to mistrust myself.
Despite my deep faith in God, I began to use alcohol and sex to numb myself. What can I say? As much as I have not enjoyed the past 8 years, I was (and am) being transformed. God allowed me to see through my very own eyes that we are all capable of shocking things under the right circumstances.
Today, I choose to begin the chronicling of my own personal failures and train wreck of a marriage. I am not sure what to title this yet. It will snap into focus though, just as life has a way of doing. As my decision to file for divorce did, after years of inability to face to truth.